


Operation Get Sirius Black Shagged

by huff_le_puff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Harry Potter was Raised by Other(s), Platonic Kissing, Post-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2020-05-16 12:11:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19317925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huff_le_puff/pseuds/huff_le_puff
Summary: Sirius is lonely - this much is obvious, even to oblivious Harry Potter. He, along with a reluctant Hermione, a much too excited Ginny, and just along for the ride Ron, come up with a plan: Operation Get Sirius Black Shagged.





	1. Chapter 1

  "Sirius really needs a shag, doesn't he?" At Ginny's words, Ron choked on a Bertie Bott's bean - earwax, yuck - Hermione nearly tore her book, and Harry dropped his broom polish.

  "How the bloody hell d'you figure?" 

  "Pardon?"

  "True."

Ginny let out a laugh, kicking Harry's door closed and lowering her voice to a whisper, "See? Even Harry's noticed and he's more oblivious than a rock."

  "Did you just compare me to a rock?" 

She shrugged at Harry's offended look. "Well, you can't say you're the most observant person in the world."

Ron was staring at his little sister, unsure if he should laugh or not. "Since when can you tell if a bloke needs a shag? Have you acquired a sense or something?"

  "Of course I haven't," she rolled her eyes, flicking his forehead, "There are signs. Anyone can tell."

  "Like what?"

  "Well, think of it this way. How would he have met someone in Azkaban? Or while on the run?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, and what lady likes rat breath?"

They all dissolved into laughter at Harry's comment, before Hermione agreed. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to kiss someone, let alone do  _that_ if someone smelled like they were eating rats."

  "You'd also ask them their four year plan before you even held hands, 'Mione." Ron was rewarded for his cheek with an elbow to his ribs.

Harry leaned against his bed as he asked Ginny, "Why'd you bring it up, anyway? Are you suggesting  _we_ get him shagged?"

Ginny's grin was answer enough.

  "We cannot play matchmaker, Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed, "You can't force someone to fall in love."

  "Who said he has to fall in love? I'm just trying to get the bloke some...outlet to..."

Ron covered his ears and begged, " _Please_ don't finish that sentence, Ginny."

Ginny shrugged, turning to Harry. "So, has Sirius got preferences?"

  "Preferences?"

  "Bloke or bird, Merlin you're thick!"

Harry scowled at her. "Thanks for that, really Gin. I don't know what he likes, not like I've ever asked."

She grabbed his wrist. "Then let's go!"

  "We're asking now?!"

  "No time like the present! It's like you always say, who knows when we're dying."

Ron laughed, following. "I'm going to need some popcorn for this. C'mon Hermione, the show's beginning."

  "I still say this is a bad idea..."

She was given no longer to protest, because Ginny had found Sirius. "Sirius! We've got a question!"

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius enjoyed living with Harry, in fact he was overjoyed to finally have custody over the kid. But his choice of friends scared him sometimes. Ron wasn't a bad kid, but those girls were intimidating. They could easily overthrow the government if they desired - mental note to self, don't give them the idea. 

Right now, Ginny looked positively exuberant, something that didn't bode well for Sirius. If Ginny was so excited, Hermione hesitant, Harry bewildered, and Ron looking like he was holding back a laugh...Sirius was doomed. He didn't know what the littlest Weasley was going to do, but she had a grin similar to James' just before a brilliant prank. He was doomed indeed. "Did you four want a snack?"

  "I wouldn't say no to some popcorn," Ron said, before turning to Harry with a whispered, "This'll be interesting to watch, I'll need it."

  "Alright, what's going on?"

Hermione let out a sigh, but before she could say anything Ginny had stuffed a apple in her mouth. Turning to Sirius, Ginny demanded, "Harry's having a bit of a sexuality crisis, and it got us wondering what you like. I've heard you were quite the player back in school."

Sirius was startled at her bluntness for a moment, especially because of the way his godson was scowling at Ginny. "Am not!"

  "Hush wonder boy. Sirius?"

  "Didn't care much for the gender I suppose...Though Moony was my favorite."

  "So a bloke, brill!" Ginny exclaimed, grabbing Harry and Hermione by the hands again and pulling them back up the stairs.

With a wave and grin, Ron followed.

  "Ron, what are you up to?"

  "I'm just along for the ride, Mate."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ron discusses whether Sirius or a switch or not, Hermione throws a dictionary, Harry discusses arson, Ginny sneaks in through a window, and Sirius is clueless but concerned.

When Sirius goes to Harry's room to send the Weasleys and Hermione home for dinner, it's to see the floor and bed covered in notebook paper with Hermione's scribbles across it all. Harry and Ron are playing some kind of game with their fingers, Hermione isreading from a dictionary, and Ginny is coloring her arms with a glittery pen.

  "Ah," Sirius clears his throat, "What are you four up to?"

Hermione screams, "Cat!" in panic.

  "Isn't that bestiality?" Ron snorts, to get a dictionary thrown at his stomach.

Ginny, much too calmly, says, "Just planning Sirius. Say, totally hypothetical, but how gallons of kerosene do you think it would take to burn the Ministry to ashes?"

  "Wouldn't magic be easier?" Ron asks.

Harry shook his head. "No way. You can track magic back to a wand, boom you're caught. Wear gloves and use kerosene, it's like an accident." He shrugs, then catches sight of Sirius' worried frown. "Don't worry, Sirius. I only know that because a primary teacher suspected me of burning down the staffroom. I was only five, but you know how it is."

  "No, I really don't."

  "Was there a reason you came up, Sirius? I thought you were talking to Remus." 

He focused back on why he had come up in the first place. "Yes, Hermione, you're right. You three are due back the Weasley's for dinner. Arthur's taking you home afterward, Hermione."

All three got up and said goodbye to Harry, then they were on their way.

As Harry made to go downstairs, Sirius stopped him. “You sure you won’t burn the ministry down?”

  “I suppose not. It would be fun to burn Umbridge alive, though.”

Sirius honestly couldn’t decide if he was reassured or not. 

\o-o/

The following day, Ginny climbs in through Harry’s window, Ron and Hermione entering through the door. 

Harry looks up from where he’d been petting Hedwig. “Any reason you crawled through the window like a burglar?”

  “Yolo?”

  “Okay.”

Hermione day down on the bed, taking out a binder. Ron groaned. “You have to make everything boring.”

She smacked him with the binder, and Harry took it from her hands to look through. “You gathered data on a bunch of random people?”

  “Not random! I went through the Muggle relationship ads. Lots of desperate Muggles pay to get a section of the newspaper to hopefully get a lover. I did a background check and these are the ones I think won’t murder Sirius. Now Harry, you know him best, so…”

Harry nodded, and looked through a few pages. 

  “This bloke sounds up Sirius’ alley. He looks a bit like Moony, and Sirius is moony-sexual.”

Ginny and Ron snorted, looking over his shoulder. 

  “Ooh, that girl is  _ hot _ !” Ginny exclaimed, pointing at a Hispanic looking girl with pink hair. “Her name’s Summer, and she works as an engineer. Cool.”

  “Do you know what an engineer is, Gin?”

  “No, but it sounds cool.”

Harry looked through Summer Vaughan’s file, and nodded to himself, handing it to Hermiome, along with Declan Burke. “Let me keep looking, but I think those two are pretty good.”

At the end, Harry had only picked out one more person, a bloke named Robbie Wright with red hair. 

  “Is that Mum’s cousin? The accountant?” Ron asked his sister, who leaned closer. “Dunno. Harry, when he comes over to shag Sirius will you ask him whether he knows Mum?”

  “Will do. What makes you think Sirius won’t do the shagging?”

  “Oh  _ come on _ , you don’t really think-”

Hermione tackled Ginny so they both ffell onto the floor, whisper shouting, "We are  _not_ discussing whether Sirius is a top or bottom!"

  "Could be a switch," Ron pointed out, before choking on his Cheetos as Hermione dragged his onto the floor too.

Harry grinned at all three of his friends wrestling, putting the binder back in Hermione’s bag and leaning back against his pillows. 

  “Life is pretty good, don’t you think?”

  “Delightful!” Ron shouted, in a headlock by his sister. 

Hermione's head popped up from behind the bed, her hair making her look like Hagrid. "Harry, I'll get into contact with those three. Make sure Sirius is conveniently in the park on Saturday around lunch."

Harry saluted her. "Will do! Now, who's up for pizza tonight? Sirius is ordering."

Ron groaned happily. "Tell me it's -"

  "Yes, he's ordering a quarter cheese, a quarter pepperoni, a quarter meat lovers, and a quarter anchovies, mushrooms, and pineapple."

Ginny faked a gag when he mentioned the pineapple, only to be shoved by her brother.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first attempt isn’t successful, Harry is too amused, and Sirius blushes more than Harry thinks is safe.

Harry was awake and making lunch when Sirius came out of his bedroom. 

  “Harry...why are you home early?”

Harry stared at him. “I thought you wanted me home for lunch.”

  “I do. But it’s early.”

  “It’s eleven in the morning, Sirius. Are you alright, You look awful.”

Sirius snorted, hopping onto the kitchen table. “Thanks, Pup.”

  “No problem, I aim to please!” Harry laughed, before asking seriously, “Really, are you okay?”

  “You have to promise you won’t laugh.”

  “Yeah sure, I promise. Was it that bloke you shagged last night?”

If Harry weren’t so concerned he would have laughed at Sirius’ sputtering. “How did you -”

  “How’d you meet him, anyway?”

  “Remember when we went to the park? Well he was sitting in a bench and - god, Harry. He’s so  _ bloody gorgeous _ .”

Harry laughed. 

  “He is! So we...you know-”

  “Shagged?”

  “Yes, now stop saying it! Anyway, he’s a bit...mental?”

Harry raised his eyebrows. “Sounds like a question. He didn’t hurt you or anything, did he?”

  “No. But after we...he told me he took apart people to see what made them tick. And when I was freaked, he said everyone’s a little insane. Harry, he’s so good looking but he was terrifying.”

Harry was frowning deeply, and Sirius felt bad for unloading all of it in him. He reached forward and smoothed our the wrinkles. Harry laughed. “Sorry for saying all that. It was a little scary, is all.”

Harry gave him a sad smile. “You’ll find the one, Sirius. Now. How was it besides the whole mental part?”

  “He’s a nice bloke.”

  “Besides the cutting people open quirk.”

  “Yeah, besides that. He’s actually really smart.”

  “Okay but how was it?  _ It _ .”

Sirius blushed darker than Harry thought was healthy. “Harry James! We are not discussing my sex life.”

Harry shrugged and threw his banana peel away. “Alright, alright. See you later, I’m taking Rey for a walk.”

Sirius muttered something about younger dogs taking his place as Harry’s favorite, and Harry cackled. 


End file.
